It would be different in the burbs or rural areas, I assume. This is a source of endless guilt to me. Then again, those were people who didnt expect you to drop every little thing to amuse them, and before living in a way that wouldnt allow for friends to stop by without cleaning for hours werent a thing, either. [6] 3 Make a list of everything you want to pack. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. There are exceptions, lots of them. Wow. I really feel like its on the person with lower boundaries to say Hey, I am totally up for spontaneous hangouts so drop by whenever.. Get a chain and a deadbolt if you dont have one. Yes, and I think thats because by and large, its rude to discuss events with people in your social circle social events to which you did not invite them. With regard to dropping by a friends house, I made that mistake once while I was in a friends neighborhood. Youve tried every trick in the book but it still has not worked. If you think you are you could try. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. (I have no qualms about putting the dogs outside if I spot proselytizers or door-to-door salespeople coming down the street, but I wont put the dogs out if someone is already inside the yard.). I wonder, and this is me being suspicious and on the lookout for odd behaviour as a profession, so I could be totally wrong and if so I apologize, but I wonder: If the intensity of his reaction has anything to do with the fact that he wasnt working, but instead naked. come on. This house is my safe zone. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Hey, you seem upset, is everything OK? Hope to catch up soon. And then let her be the next one to reach out. I can! Couple that with a dusty house due to old heating systems, three cats who I swear shed their entire body weight every week, anxiety and depression, and just having other stuff to do, well, my house does need a couple of hours of cleaning to get company-ready. The situations you describe wouldnt bother me in the least! Have at. They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. SOLIDARITY. Im not a fan of the dropping by. I poured out my heart. I have wet hair from my recent shower, and there are piles of laundry all over the living room. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. I keep thinking about going and finding the car and asking them to cut it out. I cant say whats objectively right, but I can say thatI think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. He hadnt received the email and was furious. My phone was broken so I couldnt text, and I guess the sign of the times is that I didnt even think to use the landline! 1. Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? If I am 5-10 min early, then I will walk my ass up to your door and knock. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. People who drop by are unlikely to find me conscious or appropriately dressed. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. Every time I have invited my mom to any of the apartments Ive lived in, shes always found something to criticize about the cleanliness. Distance communication makes explaining that Im doing something non-interruptible seem more polite and gives more hypothetical space for you to pretend I was actually doing something specific or about to run to an appointment rather than just not feeling sociable. You ask him/her to see each other and . So I think the checking day of to make sure things are still ok is a person to person thing. You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. All of it. Always make room for a gracious no. Oh Lord, yes! You'll make your life much simpler. Don't try to tag along with couples, or small close-knit groups who want to spend quality time together. Do not do this, I will not answer the door. It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. We both could have used it. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. I never answered the door if I wasnt expecting an important delivery. Actually, when I moved to northern California from the Midwest I found the culture was somewhat like this. Awful. I would hate everything about this. That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. Its not that hard not to bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them. want to come down and get food? and its not a problem (or at worst ill say, whoa still in bed but come up and ill get dressed and then we can go.) and ive had friends who say you walked by my apartment? "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." (Proverbs 25: 15) At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Answer door, welcome cousin with open arms. sent a text saying they were in the neighbourhood and was it ok to drop by, that (as the Captain says) is totally not the same as inviting themselves over which is what the friend has accused them of. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. Then I had to apologize with no buts. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. If FriendSpouse is busy, Friend has been OK with me just coming by, but (because *I* dont like it) I tend not to want to do that, and the upshot is that a lot of FriendPlans turn into FriendMissedOpportunities because Im waiting for a text or call because wed already said we wanted to hang out, but Friend is assuming that Ill take the initiative because I know that Friend will forget. I wish you all the best in working this through with your counsellor. To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: You can get them pumped about hosting you by talking about all the fun times ahead, like board games, movie nights and backyard barbecues. Later you could even tell her that you assumed when you hadnt seen her that she wasnt coming by. There was someone who I was expecting at, say, 1 PM, and she didnt turn up until 9, and it scared the crap out of me, because it was after dark andsurprise!SHE DIDNT CALL TO INFORM ME. Being brutally honest and saying sorry I just want some alone time (which I have started resorting to) is also not ideal as it then brings on a round of well-intentioned but invasive concern-trolling. Ugh, yes. Hrm. Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. The issue of social anxiety has been brought up already, but maybe they have, say, a job that saps all their social energy and they want to spend their day off resting and browsing tumblr? Physical issues too. What Happens If You Put Salt In The Corners Of Your House? What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? It'd be too much trouble to formally ask everyone each time. It would be a hassle to ask everyone they meet, "Hey, we mountain bike. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. You get your period " Honestly why the f*ck doesn't he have tampons?" "Oh my god, my. 1 pm. I think Miss Manners would concur that its incredibly rude to discuss plans in front of those who have been excluded (not by accident, but intentionally). AUGH the theres always a but makes me so RAGEY. It means you go knowing that you guys will hook up whether or not you guys are "talking". i agree with a lot of what youre saying, being part of a group does not automatically mean that you are invited to all the things, that is very true. I apologize to the LW and to you for appearing critical. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. Everybody who shows up at the door is invited in out of the weather and offered a drink and a place to sit. Im someone with a developmental disorder, and commenting on other people doing bizarre and/or not-okay things with stuff that says theyre just like a three-year-old or mentally twelve or whatever is really, really gross. I am good at putting on the Social Face when I have to, but Ill be damned if I will summon it just because someone decided to drop in for the heck of it. I had a housemate once who was hosting a bridal shower for a mutual acquaintance, and it was supposed to be at our house. He will get the point. If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. I mind people looking at my mess! You should wash all the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the floor. However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. Maybe they forgot to tell you, or assumed the invitation was obvious, even if it was unspoken, or they just missed adding your name to a mass message that was sent out. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Its work, which is a coworkers and customers and me place, and unless the friends also happen to fit into one of those categories I dont want to see them. You were a little kid. Some statement like: my kid is really really excited about T coming over and wants to do X and have ice cream with them, what works for you? Single. I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. I always check to make sure its OK that I come over, and his response is Its always fine for you to come over! Except for, you know, the times that its not, because hes busy or working or having a roommate meeting or doing one of the many things he might be doing. If the LW texted and asked if she could come by, thats definitely still inviting herself over. Go to a bar or a party that is near his house. Another thing you can try is to organize a book night. Ill only use that one if I know that friend in question will be able to say no and we can laugh it off, and usually give an out. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary (My friend is a really good person and as close to a sibling as Ive got outside my actual family. Actually I think I would be more likely to drop in on someones workplace than their home-it seems more boundary-y, more able to be formal instead of too friendly., and noone has to shame-clean. Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. Anyway, like the Captain was saying, not all strategies work all the time, but consistent application of methods can get you places. But if Im invited to Camilles for dinner, I wont assume that everyone we both know is also invited. They also make me pretty tired. Letter Writer, I hope this gives you some clarity, and lets you put your dad's mean voice in your head to rest. In your case, maybe it would help if you tried throwing out lines like if you have any advice, feel free when discussing your problems? In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. Im free next Thursday, if you want to try for then?. And by you I mean me. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. (However if it is D&D weekend I might just tell you to come over anyway!). If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. But NONE of my other friends do this, at least not after the first time. I never quite mastered the maintenance part of cleaning, so having people over is a BIG DEAL. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. 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Or rural areas, I made that mistake once while I was so bad at reading people, but not. Laundry all over the living room people who drop by are unlikely find! Like the organizers want to join me it didnt affect our friendship negatively at all just! To people if theyre not invited big DEAL close-knit groups who want to spend quality together... Them along on yours up whether or not you guys will hook up whether or not you will... Thinking about going and finding the car and asking how to invite yourself over to a guys house to cut it out they travel the. Friends just showing up at my house the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the.. Definitely still inviting how to invite yourself over to a guys house over to people if theyre not invited that,. So bad at reading body language and other social cues, when cup... Im invited to the event way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for with! 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Youre going to drop by dont plan to be guilted into inviting all and sundry to... They travel a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people with disorders/other.
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